Although I consider myself Muslim, I also find it appropriate to identify as secular. I am a very spiritual person, but if you know me on a personal level you might also know that I don't like to be bound to a lot of rules. I think that this is because of the fact that I tend to rely on myself and my personal experiences and deriving my conclusions based on them. My dad thinks that this way of thinking is not practical and that there should be some form of trust or faith that one must have, this is what he calls "wisdom". But I think that wisdom comes with age through experience. From what I have seen, anyone who really educates themselves on Islam seems to get sucked into its holiness and ends up enlightened, if not religious.
I have never had that spark that people have with religion.
And it's not just with Islam. I can say this confidently because I went to a Christian school and know both the old and new testament better than the average Christian or Jew. We also had a religious education class that taught us more about Sikhism, Buddhism, and Hinduism in addition to the three Abrahamic religions. My knowledge, when it comes to religion, is varied but focused on Islam, especially in the past few years. My parents each have two degrees in Sharia law and have studied the Quran and Hadith for five years. This had a very large impact on me and my siblings, we gained more religious knowledge as my parents incorporated it into discussing current events at the dinner table. So it's not that I don't have a good enough background on Islam to form a deeper connection to it. When it comes to religion, as my father says, there are a lot of things that one must have faith in and follow without question, I find this very hard to do.
It bothers people when I call myself a Muslim.
And it is because of this, I am sure that this will be my least viewed blog entry. I have never really noticed it until my older brother brought it to my attention last year: Whether it is because I do not cover my hair which causes some sort of confusion, or because Islam has been stigmatized over the years by radicals and xenophobes; whenever I call myself Muslim there is always this defensive withdrawal I see in people's eyes. I even sometimes see this happening when I tell other Muslims that I am an actual believer. It does not bother me because of course, the majority of people are uninformed and unfamiliar with the actual religion, even though some of them call themselves Muslim, so how can I expect them to accept me when they just base their judgment off of what they know, as limited as their knowledge might be. Although growing up, I feel like this internalized religious confusion in me, tying into my self-identity crisis, it also encouraged me to do my own research and educate myself on my own religion. And that is how I came to this controversial conclusion:
I do not believe in the hijab.
Yes, it does mention in the Quran that a woman should dress modestly, and putting religion aside, I personally agree with it. But this sura that people are so hasty to bring forth as evidence to "prove" the demand behind the hijab explicitly references drawing a veil or covering to the breasts; if what was meant is that one should cover their hair, then it would say so directly just as it did with the breast. Although I fully support anyone who chooses to wear it, I feel like the choice of the hijab is a more of a personal one tied to the culture more than the religion itself. And I feel like this separates me from a lot of Muslims who strongly believe that a woman must cover her hair. This is just one of the many things that other Muslims do because of their personal interpretations of the Quran, which sets me apart from them; and I feel like this weakened my sense of belonging to the religion. But at the same time, I also feel like that is what makes it so inclusive on a grand scale.
I know that Islam is for me
because of how logical and practical it is as a way of life and mentality but I am just not ready to fully commit. When I say fully commit I mean in terms of prayer and pilgrimage, as I do partake in fasting and charity. I feel that there are many more things that I have to experience and try to understand until I can submit to the challenge that Allah has confronted me with: life. I am glad that I was born into Islam, and being Arab is an added, very underappreciated, blessing which really helps in the attempt to fully understand the Quran and Islam on a more minor scale. I feel like if I was born into any other religion I would never have come to even consider fully committing to Islam, much less any other religion; so call me delusional but I feel like this was Allah's way of guiding me. I hope that one day I can gain the wisdom that I need in order to fully submit myself to this beautiful religion.
Sincerely,
Ed the Bedhead