Identity was and continues to be, a really big issue for me. I went to an international school. My friends from school didn't have an issue when introducing themselves and where they're from, but when it came to me I always felt conflicted. Whatever answer I would give would be "wrong" in the eyes of someone.
Over time, I had to force myself to stop caring about how others would judge me when I gave my answer.
People are always shocked when I introduce myself as Arab-Israeli rather than Palestinian, even when they try to "correct" me I dismiss their "correction". I am an Arab who grew up in Israel. I didn't grow up in any Palestinian territories, and I simply don't identify with Palestinians just because I feel like we have to go through such different struggles on a daily basis. My quality of life is so different to theirs, it feels unfair to them for me to call myself a Palestinian. I don't want to compare or contrast our different struggles, because that will never work.
Struggles can't be compared.
I had to learn the Hebrew language and adapt to a foreign culture in my own country so that I could potentially succeed in this society as a second class citizen. I do feel sympathy for the Palestinian people and their struggles, but I cannot personally identify with them. Yes, we all share the same roots, but our opinions on the most basic topics and mindsets differ from area to area, even more so from one side of the wall to the other. To anyone who feels that I am wrong with my answer, keep into consideration that if you don't acknowledge the existence of Israel, then you also don't acknowledge the existence of the occupation.
If there is no Israel then there, simply, is no occupation.
You cannot deny the existence of an entire existing and thriving nation. Moreover, because I went to an international school I felt as if there was an even larger separation between me and my own Arab culture than just the national barrier. This further made it even harder for me to identify myself growing up. In high school, I had a couple of Arab friends from a couple of different backgrounds who were as confused as I was when it came to identity so I didn't feel like I could rely on them to get closer to our shared culture. We were all just so confused. I personally felt like I was in such a complicated situation, putting aside race and the whole discussion of whether I am white or brown, or something in between, and completely dismissing my detachment to the classical Arabic language. When taking everything else out of consideration, and just regarding religion, it is easy to see the complication:
I am a Muslim, who went to a Christian school and grew up in a Jewish country.
As soon as I got into university, I made Arab friends who were more confident in their identities because they were less exposed to all the different cultures and so they had a stronger hold on the Arab culture. I felt like as I hung out with my Arab friends more and more, it made me feel closer to my own culture. They made me realize that I am not alone in this identity crisis, even though theirs was less dramatic, they helped me overcome my own. Although I did feel out of place with them sometimes, because my identity crises was way more complicated, they helped me come to terms with these complications. Over these two years, I have come to appreciate these complications which are embedded within my identity and not be embarrassed about them, while strengthening my connection to my culture. And so, I decided that I am what I choose to be when it comes to self-identity, it depends on me and my own reality after all, and if that pisses you off then #sorrynotsorry.
Sincerely,
Ed the bedhead
