If you have known me for a long time, you might know that I was an art student and have had exhibited art before; but when I call myself an exhibitionist, I don't mean it in that same manner. I usually feel like I have to act in a certain way to keep certain people off my back. Among my friends, I was known for being very self-restrained when it came to my emotions and had outbursts of anger or sadness rather than the healthy gradual release of emotions. I can't count the number of friends I have who say that they would help me with my issue whenever I feel bad, and either use my issue as a gateway to talk to me about their problems and convince me that they have it worse or try to make me feel better for a short period of time by making me laugh and brush it off.
No one really tries to help.
I am not going to sit and complain about the fact that I feel alone when I find myself in a hard place, because I have to accept the fact that throughout life, no matter if I am surrounded by no one at all or everyone, I will always be alone. I have come to understand that I have to be able to take control of the situation, and of myself, alone because that is the only way of overcoming anything. My mother just came back from a long day at work and told me that she feels bad when I sulk and that I should consider how it makes her feel when I spend the whole day in my room. What she means by that is that I should at least act as if I am happy so that she can be reassured that I am fine and sleep comfortably at night without having to worry about me. I know that she worries about me, but she worries about me for the wrong reasons. My dad is the complete opposite in the way that he does not worry about me at all and thinks that when I am sad I am just "crying over spilt milk," basically that I don't have any real problems. It is because of my parents that
I feel that I should show my true emotions unless under extreme circumstances.
I am not blaming them for my behavior, they work hard and they give me a lot more than I could ever ask for. We could all blame our parents for the way we turned out as adults, but I feel like at a certain point, you have the ultimate control and so the responsibility of our choices lie onto us and not our parents. I am twenty years old so I should be self-conscious and take responsibility for the way I act; I recognize that my behavior has to match, or even over-match, my maturity. However, I also realize that
I am not perfect and I know that there will be many more times in the future where I will act out,
and so I have recently stopped caring about what they think and started putting my own mental health first. This means that if I feel bad and I want to be isolated for a couple of days, then I should respect my feelings and not go out of my comfort zone to make them feel better. In addition to that, I do not owe anyone an explanation. If I don't feel good, then I don't have to tell anyone why, and if they don't respect that boundary that I put up then they don't even deserve to know. Your parents might say that they want the best for you, but in reality, we are all humans, limited to our personal perceptions... they do not know what is the best for me. They only know what is best for themselves, and
I am not one to stand in the background to make their lives easier while sacrificing my own happiness.
Although I am not a mother, through my experience as a child I feel like parents should understand one fundamental key in parenthood: when their child reaches adulthood they need to back off. Although I feel that it is even necessary to consider a 16-year-old an adult, when a child reaches the age of 18, they become an adult who is fully responsible in the eyes of the state. Schooling is over, unless chosen as a path for the future, and just as such, parenting in the same manner as to a child must also be over. I feel like this is a practice that is mostly respected by the Scandinavians, and that it is a correct philosophy in order to truly experience both the fruits and downfalls that life has to offer. Both are crucial in maintaining responsibility and depth of character. If my parents ever, by the hand of some higher power, find the interest in getting to know me better as a person and get to read this, I want to them to understand that if they feel the need to restrain me it will only make their lives more difficult.
I am a flame that cannot be tamed.
Sincerely,
Ed the Bedhead